I cannot describe to you how good to feels to see that number go down. I’m cutting out the excuses, trying to accept my metabolism as it is, trying to build habits that will last me a lifetime. Guess what…. It’s working.

I weighed in on Wednesday with this good news and soon after hopped on an airplane to my hometown. Extended family is visiting, friends are getting married… lots of fun stuff going on in Houston right now. Lots of reasons to eat are *also* going on in Houston right now. Luckily I have held on to my resolve for the past two days and stayed within my daily weight watcher points. The wedding is tomorrow and I fully intend on using any and every weekly point I have at that event… I *might* even restrict myself to fruits and veggies for breakfast and lunch… things that sustain, but are of low point value. Either way, I’m proud of myself. Instead of just equipping myself with the knowledge, I am applying that knowledge into my everyday behavior. Days will come when I feel defeated, but today is not one of them. Today my favorite words are “No thank you, I don’t want any”. The pride from saying “no” tastes so much better than the food ever could.

But this time around I’m doing my best to focus on the long haul. If it’s not something that I am willing to do for the rest of my life then it’s not something I can maintain. I need exercises that make me feel alive. I need foods that are healthy, filling, and delicious. I need to keep my chin up even when I disappoint myself. I am human. I will disappoint myself. If I’m repeating myself here from some previous posts then good!! I need to be reminded each and every second of every day – it’s about endurance. One foot in front of the other regardless of that those feet weigh.

“Hi, can I help you?”

“Oh yes, Dearie!! YOU need to pay ATTENTION!! You just walked right in front of my car and you were NOT paying attention.”
“Ma’am, I looked up and saw that you had a stop sign. I assure you, I AM paying attention.”
“OHHHHHH you are NOT Dearie!! You can’t just be walking around not paying attention!!…”
“I appreciate your concern, but I assure you, I was.”

The lady kept talking and I just went back to my walk… slightly amused and a little proud, I must admit. This lady didn’t know me. She had no idea that I was out on a walk BECAUSE I am paying attention – I’m paying attention to my health!! I’m paying attention to my lifestyle!! And I WAS DEFINITELY paying attention to the road. That said, it got me thinking… we live in a society that claims “ignorance is bliss.” I guess it’s true to a certain extent, but ignorance (the lack of knowledge) is only bliss for so long. Eventually ignorance is going to bite you in the rear!! Had I remained ignorant about my cancer I would literally be dead right now. If we remain ignorant to the political happenings in the world we cannot elect good, capable leaders. And, if we remain ignorant towards how we treat our bodies, we will live miserable sedentary lives that likely involve a myriad of health problems. Ignorance is NOT bliss.

So, if ignorance is not bliss what should we strive towards? In this case the frantic lady IS right – we should strive for awareness. With awareness comes power!! If I know that lower calorie intake plus increased activity results in weight loss then, guess what, I can lose weight. If I know that increased muscle mass will burn more calories while I am at rest then I know to include strength training into my regime. If I know that I just FEEL better when I go outside – even when the couch seems so inviting and warm – then I have the motivation to get up and get going. Awareness is power. It’s not about being thin it’s about being healthy and I have to remind myself of that every day. This is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. I am here to build habits for the rest of my life. To be an inspiration to a little girl that I am madly in love with. And to be around to hold my husband’s hand when we’re both 80 years old.

Me? I’m addicted to a few things… I’m addicted to my games (but I’ve been working on that one); I’m addicted to my morning “me” time; and I’m addicted to flavors. Flavors? Yeah… flavors. I like having SOMETHING tasty in my mouth at all times… be it food, gum, a mint…. something. Yesterday I tracked what I did and how I ate and I tallied up roughly 24 peppermints. Now, I COULD have downed many many more, but somewhere in this addiction the “why don’t you just get some flavored water” voice kicks in… sometimes I switch to gum… and every now and again I deny myself altogether and find out that I don’t ACTUALLY need the flavor. It’s JUST an addiction… and an unhealthy one at that.

Luckily addictions can be broken and today it is my goal to break this addiction. No gum. No mints. Liquids are still good and happy. I’ve heard of many people who have success eating by the clock so today I will let the clock – not my subconscious – be my guide. Let’s see how I do.

I’m done with almost. I want a restart. So here I am, nice to meet you. I weigh 187.6 according to my home scale. I am a happily married, stay-at-home mom who was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2009, statistically supposed the die in 2010, and sit here today tumor free in the fall of 2011. I am a fighter. I live with the knowledge that my cancer could come back at anytime and yet I have put my faith in God that He will carry me through whatever trials this life brings.

As a result of my cancer I have had three brain surgeries and am currently medicated for “petit mal” or “absence” seizures. The medication is a problem. In the past month it’s been the source of many weight issues. It makes me feel unstable – so I eat. It gives me a headache – so I eat. It makes me frustrated – so I eat… you get the idea. Now that I know it is the medication causing my ailments, I feel as though I can better prepare myself for these little battles against the pantry. But it’s SO frustrating. I try so hard and give up so easily. I would love to say that I can and will be perfect from now on, but I know better than that. The only thing I can do is be honest with myself and try again.

Step One: “Create a New Slate and Accept Reality”. I must learn from my mistakes without living in them. I must put to use all the tools that I learn. I need to accept that my metabolism can no longer handle the foods I used to eat. That sitting on the couch all day is NOT good for my mental health.  And, I must also accept my own abilities – I CAN do a whole lot more than I give myself credit for. I can handle a good workout. I NEED a good workout… and not just one, a lifestyle of working out. It’s easier to think that I can’t handle it, but I can.

Today is a new day – it has never happened before. It holds within it opportunities and challenges. Lord, help me keep my head up and meet those challenges with confidence. I can handle “today” and I will fill my new slate with tools for tomorrow.

Weight gain. BAD weight gain. Like six pounds of weight gain. Easy to do when you’re stress eating. Easy indeed. Ugggh. It’s so frustrating. I am my own worst enemy. It all started at Easter when I allowed myself to have sugar again… bad idea. That tiny confection concession led to a myriad of other bad choices. Before I knew it I was no longer exercising and just decided to go on a weight loss break until my MRI and neuro-oncologist visits were over. Bad idea.

I lost focus. Food is not a comfort. Watching what you eat is not about the waist line. It’s 100% about being healthy in a way that is sustainable. Period. End of story.

I need my focus back. I have to fight to stay in those size 6 jeans (…. to get back in them, rather.) I am beyond tired of taking one step forward and two steps back. I’ve seen what that side looks like, and I’ve come too far.

My rowing machine shows up in 2 days. Expect a post on Friday after an amazing workout .

Victory!!! It’s one thing to lose big, it’s another to lose big two weeks in a row! It looks like my changes are working. I’ve lowered the sodium, added in exercise (both cardio and muscle building activities), and I’ve been listening to my body’s hunger signs. I’m getting to know myself so much better on an eating front. Though medium/small (I’m back in my size six jeans, thank you very much!) I can eat, and eat, and eat and not feel “full”. Satisfied, yes! Full? Not so much. Portioning my food helps immensely with this problem. Another problem – I enjoy always having some sort of taste in my mouth… it’s an addiction in all honestly… getting active/out of the house or keeping my hands busy by working on my crocheting helps me overcome this addiction… and… if worse comes to worse… I can just go brush my teeth and I’m good. (Before you snicker try it!! Talk about a good way to keep yourself from snacking when you’re not actually hungry!!) I’ve also found that I can no longer get by without activity. I need to be more proactive about my weight loss and let me tell you, it’s payed off big time.

That said, with all these changes and new strategies at my disposal, life still happens. I’m not on some distant farm where all I have to do is workout and eat healthy and watch myself shrink. I live around restaurants and fast food places. I face temptation every day and I have to overcome it or find a way to incorporate it without losing sight of my goals and blowing my whole weight loss journey. This week will have to be an example of the latter… you see, yesterday was date day. Date day is a wonderful day for me and the Hubs. We have childcare all day and we go out to lunch and dinner – sometimes a movie – and it’s all about us. But, well, it’s not. It’s also all about the food. We try the best reviewed restaurants up here in Portland and usually have a 3 course meal for dinner. Yesterday I had my 3 course meal. Vegetable Potato Soup, Lemon Butter Salmon, and six or seven ounces of my favorite frozen yogurt treat with strawberries on top. As far as desserts go, I did well. We drove out to our favorite little (healthy-ish) fro-yo place after dinner instead of ordering the cheesecake… but as far as dinner goes… Yeah. I have no clue what kind of damage I did. Even with the ingredients obviously placed in front of my face, I have no way of estimating how much oil, butter, and who knows what was used to make my meal amazingly good.

To counteract yesterday’s indulgence I need to get extra active today and the rest of my week. I might pull out the 30 Day Shred again; I might up my walking; I might pull out one of the other bazillion workout DVDs that I own. I have options! I’m also going to keep the reigns tight on my food this week. Indulgence should be allowed on occasion. But with every reward there is a cost… basic physics – “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

Wish me luck on that “Equal and opposite reaction.” Truth be told, I think I’m up for the challenge!!

That said I am also breaking the rules a little bit… yesterday was a day of rest for my workout routine… not because I scheduled it that way, but because I was sore. And let me tell you, I rested. I was soooo lazy yesterday and I needed to be lazy!! But still. I went ahead and ended the day with a ton of daily points left over. Every now and again I think that doing this and “tricking your body” so to speak can be good. Do it too often and you’ll go into an anorexic state where your body doesn’t actually burn the calories that it should. But every now and again can’t be bad, right?  Either way I needed that. I was fighting the kiddo ALL DAY and needed some sort of victory. I’ve dipped into my weekly points all week and needed some sort of retribution. I wanted so badly to stress eat and I needed to be better than that. And the real kicker was this – I wasn’t actually hungry.

Today I’m hoping to get some exercise back in. I’ve printed out a blank calendar and pinned it on my home office wall. Each day that I get activity I mark it and celebrate another victory over all those excuses we give ourselves. I need little things like that to keep me on track. It makes this journey so much more real and I know it will make my weight loss that much more obtainable.

This week was empowering. I changed things up, I busted my butt, and I saw huge results. I know that a good deal of that is water weight, but I’m not only moving in the right direction, I’m getting there!! The things I started this week are good habits – habits that will serve me for the rest of my life. Habits that CAN NOT be a means to an end, but habits that must become a part of the new me!! The new, TONED, ACTIVE, AWARE, and… yeah… FEISTY me. That, my readers (few to non-existant as you are) is what I want to be – feisty. I want to take challenges head on, never say never, and fight for what is good and right. Though it pains me to say, the 30 Day Shred and workouts like it (that incorporate cardio and strength training together)… these things are very very good and right when it comes to taking care of our physical bodies.

I’m keeping my eyes focused on the prize!! And that prize is a healthy, fit, leaner me who has enough energy to get up and make a difference in the world. It constantly amazes me how much our health plays an impact in who we are. I want to be alive on all plains of my life and this past week I most certainly was!!

2.6 pounds down. Wow. I’m proud of myself.