The “Could Have Been Friend”

26 09 2012

ImageYou know that friend. It’s the one with which you hit it off right at the start… you get your nails done, have lunch together and call and text each other like you’ll be “besties” for the rest of existence. But then a day comes when she can’t make the plans laid out… she swears she’ll reschedule soon when things start to calm down in her world… time goes by and you call your friend but you only get voicemail… you leave messages that don’t get returned… you text to no avail… the days turn into weeks and the weeks months and, before you know it, too much time has gone by to just casually call and say, “Hey, I know we started out strong and really WANTED to get to know each other and even though it just never happened,  I AM here for you.” Neither of you would believe it. There’s no foundation. You didn’t give the friendship a chance. Something went wrong with one or both of you and, even though you wish that friendship could have happened, something just didn’t click.

Ok, so maybe you don’t know that friend unless you have a blabbering, happy, “includer” personality like mine. I actually had that exact experience two years ago. I was the one who was (for lack of better words) “dumped”. Our “friendship” lasted about 2 or 3 weeks and then she disappeared…. months later she texted me and said she was sorry she disappeared and maybe we could hang out again. I was completely open to the idea, but it never happened. 

I remember how hurt I was in the beginning of it all when she stopped returning my calls. There was no fight. There was no personality conflict. As far as I knew, we enjoyed each other’s company… I couldn’t figure it out.

To this day I have no idea what happened to that “Could Have Been Friend”. All she had to do was pick up the phone and call me back… but she didn’t. Life still goes on. 

That said, I see a striking parallel between her and my attitude towards weight loss. How many times have I “called myself”… “left a voicemail”… “texted” and ignored this inner plea to get in shape and have more control? How many times have I made myself promises and then failed to come through? And how many times have I finally “picked up the phone” and told myself, “Let’s try again” without being fully committed. 

My attitude needs to change from the “well… let’s see if it works this time” to “I’m going make it work this time”. In the end I am my own worst enemy. I (and I alone) stand in my own way. Author Napoleon Hill said like this, “If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self.” and we all know he’s right.

I’m so tired of ignoring this inner me that could be my best friend. It’s time I pick up the phone and call her back. 

Weekly Weigh-In

11 11 2011

Starting weight: 187.6bathroom_scale
Last Recorded Weigh In: 187.6
This Week: 186.0    Difference: -1.6    Total Loss: 1.6

I cannot describe to you how good to feels to see that number go down. I’m cutting out the excuses, trying to accept my metabolism as it is, trying to build habits that will last me a lifetime. Guess what…. It’s working.

I weighed in on Wednesday with this good news and soon after hopped on an airplane to my hometown. Extended family is visiting, friends are getting married… lots of fun stuff going on in Houston right now. Lots of reasons to eat are *also* going on in Houston right now. Luckily I have held on to my resolve for the past two days and stayed within my daily weight watcher points. The wedding is tomorrow and I fully intend on using any and every weekly point I have at that event… I *might* even restrict myself to fruits and veggies for breakfast and lunch… things that sustain, but are of low point value. Either way, I’m proud of myself. Instead of just equipping myself with the knowledge, I am applying that knowledge into my everyday behavior. Days will come when I feel defeated, but today is not one of them. Today my favorite words are “No thank you, I don’t want any”. The pride from saying “no” tastes so much better than the food ever could.


8 11 2011

These first few weeks back on the program have been tough for me. I’ve been dealing with a new medication, a seriously uncomfortable “make you dizzy and hot flashy” kind of cold and all kinds of potential mood alterations with the time change and lack of daylight. I doubt I have lost any weight this week but I have been focused and tuned in to how I am treating myself… telling myself “no” when I reach for a food I’m not actually hungry for… cooking dinner at home instead of eating out… my exercise has called a bit off the radar, but if I judge myself then I will give up. Judgement is NOT your friend in weight loss. It’s one thing to be aware and evaluate your behaviors… For example: I definitely at an entire chicken sandwich from a favorite take out this week when I was not the least bit hungry… that said, it tasted really good and I enjoyed the time with my husband and daughter at the table. Next time maybe I should opt for a game or something that will give me the same family time without the calories. No judgement. It’s hard to do though. One bite of delicious chocolate brownie and all the sudden you’re a horrible person… and since you’re a horrible person you’d better get in all the brownies while you can!! At least, that’s what *I* would do…

But this time around I’m doing my best to focus on the long haul. If it’s not something that I am willing to do for the rest of my life then it’s not something I can maintain. I need exercises that make me feel alive. I need foods that are healthy, filling, and delicious. I need to keep my chin up even when I disappoint myself. I am human. I will disappoint myself. If I’m repeating myself here from some previous posts then good!! I need to be reminded each and every second of every day – it’s about endurance. One foot in front of the other regardless of that those feet weigh.


4 11 2011

Two days ago I was out walking in my neighborhood. I had my tennis shoes on, scarf all bundled and the iPhone playing some good tunes. The day was GORGEOUS. A crisp 57 degrees, fall colors and a blue sky. I felt great. As I was walking, I came upon an intersection, stopped, looked around… there was a slow (emphasis on SLOW) moving car and a stop sign for that car so I proceeded to cross. More than halfway through my crossing I heard this voice, “Dearie!! OH Dearie!!!” I turned around thinking this lady either *thought* she knew me or (more likely) needed directions. I popped a headphone out and walked over…

“Hi, can I help you?”

“Oh yes, Dearie!! YOU need to pay ATTENTION!! You just walked right in front of my car and you were NOT paying attention.”
“Ma’am, I looked up and saw that you had a stop sign. I assure you, I AM paying attention.”
“OHHHHHH you are NOT Dearie!! You can’t just be walking around not paying attention!!…”
“I appreciate your concern, but I assure you, I was.”

The lady kept talking and I just went back to my walk… slightly amused and a little proud, I must admit. This lady didn’t know me. She had no idea that I was out on a walk BECAUSE I am paying attention – I’m paying attention to my health!! I’m paying attention to my lifestyle!! And I WAS DEFINITELY paying attention to the road. That said, it got me thinking… we live in a society that claims “ignorance is bliss.” I guess it’s true to a certain extent, but ignorance (the lack of knowledge) is only bliss for so long. Eventually ignorance is going to bite you in the rear!! Had I remained ignorant about my cancer I would literally be dead right now. If we remain ignorant to the political happenings in the world we cannot elect good, capable leaders. And, if we remain ignorant towards how we treat our bodies, we will live miserable sedentary lives that likely involve a myriad of health problems. Ignorance is NOT bliss.

So, if ignorance is not bliss what should we strive towards? In this case the frantic lady IS right – we should strive for awareness. With awareness comes power!! If I know that lower calorie intake plus increased activity results in weight loss then, guess what, I can lose weight. If I know that increased muscle mass will burn more calories while I am at rest then I know to include strength training into my regime. If I know that I just FEEL better when I go outside – even when the couch seems so inviting and warm – then I have the motivation to get up and get going. Awareness is power. It’s not about being thin it’s about being healthy and I have to remind myself of that every day. This is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. I am here to build habits for the rest of my life. To be an inspiration to a little girl that I am madly in love with. And to be around to hold my husband’s hand when we’re both 80 years old.


3 11 2011

We all have them. Little things we do every day – iPhone games, checking the email, phone calls to a valued friend – things that make our day that much better. Things we might feel a little incomplete without. Things we might BE incomplete without. Addictions. Wether they are healthy or not, they are a part of our lives.

Me? I’m addicted to a few things… I’m addicted to my games (but I’ve been working on that one); I’m addicted to my morning “me” time; and I’m addicted to flavors. Flavors? Yeah… flavors. I like having SOMETHING tasty in my mouth at all times… be it food, gum, a mint…. something. Yesterday I tracked what I did and how I ate and I tallied up roughly 24 peppermints. Now, I COULD have downed many many more, but somewhere in this addiction the “why don’t you just get some flavored water” voice kicks in… sometimes I switch to gum… and every now and again I deny myself altogether and find out that I don’t ACTUALLY need the flavor. It’s JUST an addiction… and an unhealthy one at that.

Luckily addictions can be broken and today it is my goal to break this addiction. No gum. No mints. Liquids are still good and happy. I’ve heard of many people who have success eating by the clock so today I will let the clock – not my subconscious – be my guide. Let’s see how I do.


Starting Over

2 11 2011

I’ve gained it back. Almost every original pound. Almost. It’s a word that haunts me. I ALMOST made it to my goal. I ALMOST worked out today. I ALMOST tracked my foods. “AL-MOST, adv: very nearly but not exactly or entirely.” Almost.

I’m done with almost. I want a restart. So here I am, nice to meet you. I weigh 187.6 according to my home scale. I am a happily married, stay-at-home mom who was diagnosed with brain cancer in 2009, statistically supposed the die in 2010, and sit here today tumor free in the fall of 2011. I am a fighter. I live with the knowledge that my cancer could come back at anytime and yet I have put my faith in God that He will carry me through whatever trials this life brings.

As a result of my cancer I have had three brain surgeries and am currently medicated for “petit mal” or “absence” seizures. The medication is a problem. In the past month it’s been the source of many weight issues. It makes me feel unstable – so I eat. It gives me a headache – so I eat. It makes me frustrated – so I eat… you get the idea. Now that I know it is the medication causing my ailments, I feel as though I can better prepare myself for these little battles against the pantry. But it’s SO frustrating. I try so hard and give up so easily. I would love to say that I can and will be perfect from now on, but I know better than that. The only thing I can do is be honest with myself and try again.

Step One: “Create a New Slate and Accept Reality”. I must learn from my mistakes without living in them. I must put to use all the tools that I learn. I need to accept that my metabolism can no longer handle the foods I used to eat. That sitting on the couch all day is NOT good for my mental health.  And, I must also accept my own abilities – I CAN do a whole lot more than I give myself credit for. I can handle a good workout. I NEED a good workout… and not just one, a lifestyle of working out. It’s easier to think that I can’t handle it, but I can.

Today is a new day – it has never happened before. It holds within it opportunities and challenges. Lord, help me keep my head up and meet those challenges with confidence. I can handle “today” and I will fill my new slate with tools for tomorrow.

2 11 2011


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