Back in the Black… or is it the Red? Either way, I’m back to being a loser!

2 11 2009

Starting weight: 197.2bathroom_scale
Last Recorded Weigh In: 171.4
This Week: 170.6    Difference: -.8    Total Loss: 26.6

The past week I was much, much better. I took my own advice and only ate when I was hungry. I allowed myself little food rewards if they fit into my points. I even had two Jr. Whoppers from Burger King (no mayo) and stayed completely on plan. I’m extremely proud of myself.

I think the first week is the hardest. Changing a lifestyle doesn’t come overnight. One of my favorite things weight watchers has taught me is this: “If you get a flat tire don’t go and slash the other three.” It’s simple. If you fall off the wagon get back on. Don’t sabotage yourself over one moment of weakness.

So I had my Jr. Whoppers… I even had cinnamon rolls. And I stayed on plan.

Let’s hope this week is as successful… wait, scratch that… let’s plan for this week to be as successful. Time to pull out my weight watchers cook books and plan my meals for the week.





Food is Not Entertainment

28 10 2009

We all eat for different reasons. Some of us eat to hide emotions. Some eat due to social pressures. Me? I eat for entertainment. Food is something to do. It tastes good. I like it. I have nothing else to do… so I eat. And why shouldn’t I? I have cancer!! If ever anyone had an excuse to just give in to the luxuries of life it’s me. On average my disease gives me another 11 months to live. 11 months!!

Now do I believe I am going to die in 11 months? No. I actually don’t believe that I will die of brain cancer at all… but that aside, I have every excuse staring me in the face saying, “EAT IT!”

But I don’t want to live life that way. I want my life to be more than food. I want a better hobby! Today I am cleaning and cooking for a dinner party so I will be busy enough to ignore my habit. But in the long run I need to be doing something… something other than eating. I need to take my daughter to the park. I need to go to the zoo. I need to go to the children’s museum. I need to get a life while I have one to live!!

No one is guaranteed tomorrow. How will you use your today?





The Focus of Food

27 10 2009

Does anyone else do this? I wake up starving!! My best guess is that it’s actually dehydration, but I just want to eat everything in sight… and out of sight… which includes the Halloween candy that I hid above the fridge. Surely someone can relate. It doesn’t help that I wake up and have to take medicines and then wait an hour before eating. That does give me time to hydrate though… but this morning it didn’t seem to do much good. I’ve already eaten half my points for the day and it’s only 9 am.

Willpower is such a huge part of this journey. I’ve only just begun (or re-begun) and so I know my stomach needs to shrink again. I know I will get into a groove. But for now I need to feel this way. It’s a right of passage if you will.

To overcome it I have to load up on zero point snacks and loads of water or water based drinks. I also need to find things to distract me – i.e. this blog post. The more I sit around and think about it the weaker my resolve seems to be. So here I go, done with food for now and off to do the laundry. Just gotta keep busy.





Coffee, Personalities, and Diets

26 10 2009

coffee-cup-cupperSo, I’ve been thinking this week. Dieting is a lot like coffee drinking.

You have your hard core coffee drinkers who know every blend and which goes best with what meal (do different coffees go with different meals? I have no clue, let’s pretend they do). These people drink seasonal coffees and have extremely refined pallets. They often scold people at Starbucks for ordering Pike’s Place when they could have gotten the other, “better”, coffee on tap.

Then, you have the refined coffee drinker who also can tell a good coffee from a bad one, but they are more casual about their habit. They are secure in what they are drinking and feel no need to comment on other’s beverages.

Next, you have an occasional coffee drinker who gets into the habit every now and again and becomes extreme for that stint of time, but in the end they wake up too late in the morning to brew a cup so they slide back to their sodas and the company’s coffee for their caffeine. And, finally, you have the clueless coffee drinker (might I add that I fall into the category). This person can happily consume a Folger’s instant coffee crystals cup of coffee or a $7 starbucks blend and not be able to tell much difference. They never become a true coffee drinker because it never becomes a part of them.

So do you see my analogy? The OCD coffee drinker is the hard core dieter/exerciser. This person makes those of us on the outside scared. We think, “Do I really have to be THAT hard core to be THAT thin?” They are above us… or they think they are above us. They act superior and don’t understand why everyone doesn’t see life the way they see it. It’s easy to run ten miles a day!

I don’t want to be this kind of dieter. They are disconnected with the entire world. Their nutrition and exercise are literally their life. I don’t know about you, but I have more to live for than food and exercise!

Next, we have the ideal balance. Someone who knows what to do and how to do it, but doesn’t press their views on everyone else or become so obsessed with it that it overtakes their life. They are still connected with reality. They can deign to have Wendy’s from time to time! : ).

Thirdly, you have the Yo-Yo dieter who annoyingly preaches to everyone about about their current trend and then backslides after a week. Finally, you have the clueless dieter who is never committed and so they never succeed. They will always settle for Folger’s instant over the high end fancy stuff.

In order to be a successful dieter we need to commit to our nutritional knowledge in a way that is not trendy nor complacent, but in a way that is easily incorporated into our current lives. Yes, you should bend for your diet, but you should also find foods that work with your lifestyle. Your diet is a part of your identity. Think about it! What you eat largely defines what you do. Do you eat out and engage in social eating? If so you need to know the point values at your favorite restaurants. Do you sit in a corner quietly by yourself with a homemade sandwich? Then you can prepare foods in advance that meet your point goal for the day. Our personalities surround how we eat. Therefore, how we eat should compliment our personalities and create a lasting healthy lifestyle.





Weigh-in and Cancer Update

24 10 2009

Starting weight: 197.2bathroom_scale
Last Recorded Weigh In: 171.0
This Week: 171.4    Difference: +.4    Total Loss: 25.8

So, after a long week of travel and unpredictable meals I only gained .4 pounds. I’m pretty happy about that. This week I will be more deliberative with my diet and eating choices. I have two meals that I cannot control each week, but everything else will be on plan and within my points.

This week I am also going to try to reincorporate exercise into my routine. My feet feel better and I need the cardio. As long as my feet hold up I might even be able to run again. We’ll just take it one step at a time though… literally. : ).

I’ll save my dieting thoughts/writings for later this week and go straight to my personal update.

Half of last week I was back in my hometown of Houston, Texas for my monthly cancer check-up. There was no MRI this time so we don’t know how the tumor is doing (these take place once every other month) but the doctors do other exams to ascertain my current state of health. They have me walk in a straight line, heel to toe, touch my nose with my eyes closed… all sorts of things that test my neurological state. after this exam I brought up a symptom that I’ve been having. It’s kinda a “mind blip” feeling. It lasts for an eighth of a second and everyone has felt it, but it’s been more and more common for me since my surgery.

Turns out my little mind blips are actually mini seizures. To combat these I have to switch to decaf coffee (not hard to do since I am only an occasional coffee drinker) and I can no longer play my favorite online game – Bejeweled. Small sacrifices. I’m also on an anti-seizure medicine called Keppra.

They didn’t tell me if this is something that clears up or a condition that I’ll have for the rest of my life… but being a brain cancer patient those questions are really low priority. I’m going to be on daily medicines for a VERY LONG TIME regardless of these mini-seizures.

So here I sit, armed with more medicine and another malfunction. Just more adventures to add to my list!!





Off to a Rocky Start, but That’s Okay!

19 10 2009

So, I knew this would be difficult when I started… my husband and I are involved in a church plant here in Portland. That means we are one of  a four families that get together every week and learn about God and pray for out city. Eventually it will be a much much bigger group, but we’ve just begun so it’s still very intimate. This is AWESOME for my spiritual life and the amazing friendships that are there, but not so awesome for my dieting/eating. Our group has a homemade lunch together every Sunday afternoon (the preacher’s wife/my good friend cooks for us – this week it was clam chowder in a bread bowl – yum!). We also have dinner together every Wednesday night. Now, I can cook weight watchers recipes for that dinner, but when it’s not my turn to cook I am at the mercy of my friends. They know I’m trying to lose weight and that I have a special “cancer diet” I’m trying to follow, but you can’t expect people to bend to you. Diets, like all things in life, are about YOU adapting to the WORLD, not the other way around.

So what do I do about it?

Glad you asked!!… and the truth is, I don’t really know. I’m going to test a theory over the next few weeks though. I’m going to assume these meals use up my weekly points and stay on plan every other meal. Control what I can, and manage what I can’t control.

Last time I did weight watchers I seldom ate my weekly points… actually, I hit a plateau – stopped losing weight for a few weeks – then, once I started eating those points my weight started dropping again (weird, I know, but our bodies are like that!!) Dieting is a special balance of eating enough to keep up your metabolism and restraining the calorie intake enough to… well… to lose. I’m hoping that by assuming those weekly points on Sunday and Wednesday that things will balance out.

This week is also extra sticky because it’s the week of my Houston trip. Once every four weeks I travel over 1800 miles from Portland to Houston to get a check up from MD Anderson – our nation’s #1 cancer center. Luckily for me this is also the city I grew up in and the home of both my and my husband’s parents. Once there I can stay on plan… but there’s this one little issue… the airplane. My parents are amazing and gracious people and they pay for my flights… me being their baby girl… who has cancer… they… well… they fly me first class (I know, I’m very spoiled!) and… well… first class has really good food!! And cheesecake!! Cheesecake, people!! (I love cheesecake). This trip, however I will forgo the dessert. (Sometimes it’s just a cookie… which is also very yummy with a big glass of milk, but not worth it!) I will try to keep the big picture!! Cancer AND fat cells want me to eat the cookie and/or the cheesecake… neither cancer nor fat cells are my friends!! Don’t eat the cheesecake!!

What’s worse – I get the temptation twice. This trip I fly out at noon on Tuesday (tomorrow) and then arrive back home in Portland at 11am on Thursday. I’m traveling/gone for all of 47 hours… eight of which are on the plane. With the cookies… Big Picture, Christi! Big Picture!!

I’ll let you all know how it goes with the eating. As far as my cancer goes, I actually won’t be getting any news on my health this trip… it’s just a check up and, as a side note, I may not have my computer with me so the blog may be quiet for a few days. Next month, however, I will have my second MRI since treatment began. When I think about it I do get a little anxious/excited/emotional. But, MRIs, like meals, are things where I need to stay focused on the big picture!! In the end it doesn’t matter what the MRI says, I can’t control it. All I can do is trust God and maintain healthy habits that will better equip my body to fight this disease. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. Let’s make the most of TODAY!





And… I’m Back!

17 10 2009

Starting weight: 197.2bathroom_scale
Last Recorded Weigh In: 174.4
This Week: 171.0    Difference: -.3.4    Total Loss: 26.2

I did it! I’ve rejoined Weight Watchers. I’m at a point in my cancer treatment where I can eat regular food again (and gain weight again) and so it makes sense to jump back into my weight loss journey. Life doesn’t stop for cancer and neither will I.

Due to my long absence with the program (I did have a FEW better things to do… you know, like brain surgery, radiation, and chemo…) I had a few treats waiting for me at my meeting! Today I got my 10% key chain for losing over 19 pounds and I got my 25 pound charm to put on the key chain. It felt good to know that I’ve lost that much weight!! I still have another 25 to go before I’m back to what I used to be, but I’m half way there!! I’ve lost 1… almost 2 pant sizes, learned how to eat much healthier as a whole, and I feel better when I’m losing weight and in control.

I guess that’s what Weight Watchers really is for me – control. It gives us a set of obtainable guidelines… a measure. So on some of those days when I just want to eat everything and that little voice says, “Well, you already had X, Y, and Z… you already blew it, you might as well indulge” the Weight Watchers book says, “Oh look, you still have 5 points left for dinner… you’r actually doing better than you thought!! PUT THE CHEESECAKE DOWN!” So, I listen to the Weight Watchers’ voice and I go for my sugar-free gum and a glass of water and I bide my time until dinner.

I’m happy to be back on the program. Happy to be back in control. Happy to be doing something positive for ME.





Update

19 08 2009

So I haven’t been the best blogger… this is mostly due to Facebook. I keep most of my thoughts/posts under my notes section for my friends to read. During weight loss it was inappropriate for me to share everything with friends. Some gripes were ABOUT friends. The blog was a better outlet. Cancer… well… cancer has a better outlet on Facebook. I want my friends to know what’s going on – unveiled.  I want them to know where my faith lies and that God is taking care of me – whether they believe in God or not… maybe especially if they don’t believe. I have no reason to hide that facet of my life… my faith is such a huge part of my life I don’t WANT to hide it. I write a facebook update about once a month or so… usually after a doctor’s appointment.In doing so I completely forgot to update here.

So here’s the beef: “everything looks exactly as it should at this point”. Yep. Good news… kinda boring news. Better boring news than bad news, but that’s the news. Post treatment the brain can become inflamed and the tumor can actually look like it’s grown when it hasn’t -this is called pseudo-progression… that first MRI was just to get a benchmark (at least that’s what I guess) so we can go from there. My next MRI is September 22 and THEN we will ask if it’s smaller or bigger or whatnot (didn’t bother to ask this time… frankly I don’t want to know if it’s had pseudo-progression.)

So there. “Everything looks like it should”. Good news!! Of course I was a tab bit disappointed that it wasn’t just miraculously gone, but there’s plenty of time for that in the future ; ).





The Next Few Days

27 07 2009

I fly back to Houston today. My daughter is staying with friends so my husband can work. It’s a short trip. I get into IAH this evening, have a nutrition appointment tomorrow at 9 am, blood work at 5 pm, an MRI at 5:30 and an oncologist appointment at 10 am Wednesday. Then I fly out Wednesday evening.

It will be interesting to hear what the MRI shows… my radiologist said that it often showed psuedo-progression at this point. (As in the tumor looks bigger than it did last time, but only because there is still inflamation/swelling.) Since this MRI is often false I have no clue why they bother… definitely a question for my oncologist! Either way, I am interested but not worried. I have a peace about this whole cancer experience and it can’t be explained. If you believe in God then you understand. ; )

So now it’s off to Houston. I’ll report back when I’m home!





More on Motivation

25 07 2009

bathroom_scaleStarting weight: 197.2
Last Recorded Weigh In: 173.6
This Week: 174.4    Difference: +.8    Total Loss: 22.8

I gained this week. I know why too; I’m not following my new diet 100%. Isn’t that easy to do? You have one day and you think to yourself, “Just this once I’ll go ahead and have the pancakes.” Then the next day – “Just this once I’ll have the potatoes.”

For the most part I have been following my guidelines. I’ve been extremely strict about my sugar intake and red meat intake. But my point is this: It’s not easy!! I’m trying to eat well to fight my life-threatening cancer and I’m having a hard time!! How much harder is it when you’re motivation is nothing other than personal satisfaction and self-respect? (Both extremely important things, but both lack the urgency that I’m trying to stress) If I don’t eat well I could quite literally be putting my life in jeopardy.

So next time you beat yourself up over slipping on the diet, please know that you are not alone!! It’s hard!!

That said, I need a better plan. My biggest problem is not temptation so much as a lack of other options. I have no clue what to cook. Weight Watchers had some very handy recipe books that I followed religiously. Those recipes are very meat ooriented… maybe I just think they are meat oriented because those are the only ones I cooked… time to go back and check!! Either way, I need recipes. I have some friends who follow a similar diet and they have volunteered to help me out. Our church Bible study class is going to bring meals for the next few weeks… with those meals will come recipes as well. Finally, I’m going to go looking for some anti-cancer blogs. I loved reading weight loss blogs when I was trying to lose. It kept me focused and gave me ideas. Hopefully there are others out there trying to follow an anti-cancer diet that I can relate with.

The other thing that needs to be kept in check is portion control. Weight Watchers was great about teaching me that you can eat almost anything in the correct portion. You might be hungry later if you chose the wrong thing, but portion control is HUGE… at least for me. Once I got the hang of it I realized that I have been eating WAY TOO MUCH. I also realized that I could be completely satisfied eating the correct smaller amount. What a revelation! That’s how I lost the first 20 pounds and it’s how I’m going to lose the last.

Now to find some recipes…